Speak Nothing of Love
by Tamereth
Summary: What is love? All she knew was that when he was near, she wanted to be with him. When she let him go, it hurt. Was that love? And now, she has a second chance... [TeaxKaiba]
1. What

**Speak Nothing of Love **

**Rating: **K  
**Genre: **Romance  
**Status:**Complete  
**Summary:** What is love? All she knew was that when he was near, she wanted to be with him. When she let him go, it hurt. Was that love? And now, she has a second chance... SetoxTea  
**Notes: **Poetic style, first person.

* * *

"Be then his love accursed, since love or hate,  
_To me alike, it deals eternal woe."  
__-John Milton, Paradise Lost (VI: 69-70)

* * *

_

**:Part One- What:**

I know nothing of love.

I am but a child, and cannot know of love. Love is hidden in the depths of the adult world, one which children can only dream of entering. One day, the hazy glamour will be stripped from our eyes, and we will be allowed into cold, glimmering reality. Until then, we are but children, and know nothing of love.

We see affection and term it something impossible. As children, we cry over what we have lost like children do over toys. Only adults can experience the overwhelming bitter-sweetness that is love, and only they can accept its loss with grace. Children cannot see as adults can. They have not experienced enough of life. They are fickle little things, temperamental too. Only adults, with their worldly demeanor and infinite wisdom- only they know of love.

I know nothing of love.

I only know that once, there was someone- a boy. Brown hair and blue eyes made him similar to everyone else, but there was something…special about him.

It was the way he walked- graceful, full of confidence. He knew what he wanted, and no one could take it away from him.

It was the way he spoke- one word, and it commanded the room's attention. The barest whisper, and everyone was eager to fulfill his smallest wishes.

It was the way he was.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that seeing him made me feel so…lost. My heart and soul yearned for him, and it ached for the yearning. He was untouchable. Unattainable. Yet, for all my hurting, I was content to sit there, watch him- that was enough.

He was an addiction.

I watched. I saw. I burned his image into my memory, treasuring every little bit as one savors the taste of chocolate even after it has long melted.

I watched. I listened. I let his voice reverberate around me, picking up each word and turning it over and over in my mind.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that each time I saw him, there was that small leap my heart gave, like when one opens a long-awaited present. And even though that glance was just for a second, it would brighten my entire day, helping raise my spirits if I had been down.

Odd, what a person can do without trying.

I, so normally bright and talkative, quieted when he was near. The smallest sound would break that fragile peace that lay there.

He didn't know what effect he had on me. How could he?

Every time I saw him, I felt so empty, painfully aware of how alone I was. The world fell away, narrowed down to his figure alone. And he was so far away.

I don't know if he ever felt my eyes on him, watching him, admiring…

Even if he did, I was probably one of many…so many girls who wouldn't hesitate to do his bidding…who was I to compare?

I know nothing of love.

I just know that as time passed, whatever it was I felt stayed just as strong as it first was.

The year was almost over. Soon, I would never see him again. There was nothing I could do about it.

It crossed my mind many times to go and talk to him. To confess.

But what was the point? Some people say that you never know. I was devastatingly aware of the consequences should I have chosen to confront him.

He was still a mystery to me…even after all that time. Gentle and kind one minute, cold and cruel the next- I could not tell which was real and which was not.

But I knew, with absolute certainty that he did not care for me at all. I was a strange girl, still am. There was nothing in me to love.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that the longer I watched him, the more apparent his flaws became. He, who had first seemed so beautiful, was not quite so…there. And there. Imperfections.

But they only endeared him further to me. I could, I realize now, accept him for who he was.

Even in my dreams, I could not touch him.

So many nights, I saw him in my sleep. And even then, he stood so far away…aloof, unobtainable.

Sometimes, I awaken, with his name sounding in my heart.

I never, never cry. Not over something so trivial as this. This feeling, that had no name.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that when the year ended, he graduated, leaving for the real world. I did not think I would see him again.

As I went down the school hallways, sometimes I'd look up, my heart in my throat, fully expecting to see him, as I had before. But no one was there. Unfamiliar faces, brushing past me…a new year, new people…he was gone.

There were so many regrets. I knew, however, if they weren't regrets, they would have been disappointments. We operated on different levels, the two of us- different circles, different attitudes, two different people. I had stood no chance, and that was that.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that even now, half a year later, I still dream of him.

Even now, in my dreams, he is still unreachable. Not even in my dreams am I allowed to have him.

I wake up thinking…I want to see him again, just once. I want to hear his voice. I want…

The cold emptiness is still there. Time hasn't let it fade.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that slowly, I have forgotten what he looks like. My memory of him has faded. But I still remember his voice, his movements.

There is absolute certainty that if I see him again, I will remember again, full force.

Even if I cannot recall his face, this feeling has not left. It frightens me.

Each person I meet, I think, it is not him. They cannot compare to his grace, his beauty. No one can become as he was.

I know nothing of love.

I just know that sometimes…sometimes…I still see his image in my mind.

And sometimes…sometimes…I still hear his voice in my head.

My heart still aches for something that is no longer there.

If I should meet him again, I think…I think I would still care for him as deeply as I do now.

Time has not changed what I feel, so it cannot be love.

Love is supposed to be about forgetting, healing, letting go…moving on. Love is supposed to be forever. Which is it?

I do not know, I am but a child.

I know nothing of love.

What is love?

**:end part one:

* * *

**


	2. Why

**Speak Nothing of Love

* * *

**

:**Part Two- Why:**

Why are you here?

There you stand before me, like some phantom from a distant dream. I feel the world fading, until once again, it is just you and me. Words fall from my lips that I do not remember speaking. Gesture and movement hold no meaning. A dream. This is a dream, nothing more.

I say this, but cannot bring myself to believe. I am a very convincing liar.

Three years have passed. I've learned as best I could to move on, live my life.

My heart had long since forgotten the pain of falling for you. It had forgotten, and was not ready for this sudden assault. It no longer remembered the pain, the sorrow, the overwhelming weight you bore upon it.

I was not prepared for this, and I find my heart hurting more than it ever had before. Or perhaps, I too, had forgotten how much you make me hurt inside.

You have no right to walk back into my life as if you belong.

The past three years, I've build up my defenses, letting no one pass them as you had done so unwittingly. Three years, and I find everything crumbling with a simple glance. See what you do to me.

Why are you here? Why have you come?

Things have changed, this time around. I am no longer just a simple, naïve girl. I am no longer awkward, clumsy, no longer a woman in a child's body.

Time has passed. I've gained the confidence I didn't have when I last saw you.

I'd like to say I am older, wiser… better. My dreams are a reality, not just bits of longing glimmering on the horizon.

I am my own person now, and you have no right to come, and take it away from me. One glance was all it took, and I was back at high school- blushing, tongue-tied, gallantly hiding my attraction for you behind a disinterested façade- no longer Tea Gardner, the world-famous dancer, but Gardner, Yugi's friend.

You make everything I've worked for feel worthless. Again, I am reminded that the world is a mask. The life I have carved is but a wall to hide my loss. I don't know if I have ever truly forgotten you. You are not so easy to forget.

Why are you doing this to me?

I am fire. I am ice.

I burn with the same passion I did years ago- brighter, even. You have not lost your touch.

Ice. Ice wraps around my heart, protecting it, saving it. This flame kindled within my soul will be contained.

I will not be a fool twice.

But I can feel that fire, straining. Slowly, so slowly, the ice is melting.

It frightens me. I fail to believe that I would make the same mistake I did so long ago. I should have learned to be smarter than that. You should not be able to ensnare me so easily. I should be strong enough to be immune to your charms. I have thought about you much. I know you have flaws. I should care, but I don't.

You should never have come into my life. If I give in, I will not stay a shadow for long.

Like I said, things have changed. You are no longer untouchable, unreachable.

I am your equal now, in my own right. Your grace, your confidence, your ability to hold a person in the palm of your hand- these have become nothing. I am every bit your match, maybe more. These have become nothing, and everything. I see that I am as susceptible to you as I used to be.

So. Nothing has changed, except for our positions.

I am not unworthy anymore. But you…you are still every bit an enigma.

Why should I think these things matter?

It doesn't.

I am a fool if I believe that I should take this chance. I didn't three years ago, when it wouldn't have had that much of an impact. Now? Now, the blow would be that much worse.

I am my own person now. There are people out there that care about me. Thousands of people a night gather, to watch me perform. Backstage, there are my friends, family. I have worked hard to have all these. What difference would one person make?

I can live without your love.

I will not shatter the perfection of the life I lead to pursue something I left behind a long time ago. I cannot.

You've never cared for anyone. What makes me think time would have caused that to change?

You stand there, as if you have stepped straight out of my memories. You, untouched by time, letting the swirl of the years pass you by.

Your grandeur has not dulled with time. Three years and a step deeper into society was all it took. I can see you are thriving.

The girls still flock around you. Can they not see your distain? They are unworthy.

Once, I was unworthy too, and I spared you of my presence. Now?

You deserve someone who does not see just your cold demeanor and your money.You need someone who will take the time to understand you.

I see you, and I know you are more human than anyone else can imagine. I have watched your triumphs and witnessed your defeats.

From the tiny amount of emotion you have shown, I am continually allowed a glimpse of your soul. This is enough to tell me that you will not let love intrude on your life.

I will not take that kind of a chance.

Why should I care?

I deceive myself.

I say that I don't want you, as if each repetition can strengthen my resolve. It can't. It won't.

Passion, caring, feelings…dare I say love? Three years has not been enough to dim whatever it is. Three years have not been near long enough to dull the brightness of my heart.

My heart flutters, and fades. It seems to sigh, resigned to its fate. It knows this feeling, painfully familiar. It readies itself for more.

My soul shifts, and awakens. _Again?_ It asks.

Fate must either hate me or love me.

I see you, and I know that time has changed nothing.

You capture me, utterly, completely, and I laugh, because you are just as oblivious.

You have no idea what it is you do to me. You never did.

Isn't it funny how the world works? I spent three years wondering, hoping, and wishing I could see you again. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my wish would be granted. And now? Now I pray to the gods that you could have stayed hidden.

A dream when I walk in reality is too dangerous…too much.

Three years, and you had faded into the distance- a special memory I look back upon and smile at, bittersweet. I no longer remembered your face, could no longer hear your voice.

A shove in the right direction was all it took.

"Hey Tea, this is Seto Kaiba. You remember him, right?" And all the memory comes flooding back, as if three years had been just three hours. All the hurt, all the pain, fresh in my mind, what could I do but run?

I am so tired of running. My heart is tired of hurting. My soul longs for company.

I don't want to feel the pain of rejection. Not from you.

This…I should be dreading the days to come, preparing for another year of loneliness and heartache.

So then…

Why is it I don't feel that way?

**:end part two:

* * *

**


	3. How

**Speak Nothing of Love**

* * *

**:Part Three- How:  
**

I stand suspended in darkness. All around me there is nothing but a sense of emptiness. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where it was I came from.

The dreamer, long wrapped in the hazy veil of sleep, awakens at last. She stretches, the last of strands of starlight and moondust falling away, and looks about at the world around her. How much it has changed, since when she last saw it!

I am lost, drifting. The world around me has shifted, and I cannot find my balance. Each step I had taken brought me closer to an unseen precipice. Now…Now I am falling. Falling, and do not know where I will end up. Will someone catch me? Or is it the end?

I am not a risk taker. I cannot tell you what force it was that caught me up and set me down before you. I myself do not know what hand it was that squeezed those words from my lips. Again and again, I wonder what I am doing. This is not the best course of action. Habit tells me I should watch and wait.

Something has pushed me forward, coaxing me to take this chance. But what seemed like such a little step has turned into quite a plunge.

Three years I've kept mute, and now I've spilled all my secrets.

Startled, awkward. Was that I who had spoken? No, it must have been someone else. Not I. This stammering young girl is not me. She can't be me. But no one else is here. Whatever happened to my grace, my poise? You see? Even now, you still affect me.

What will you say?

Not even in my wildest imaginings do I dare to envision your reply. I may dream that I have gathered the courage to confess my love for you, but I cannot put words in your mouth, not even in my dreams.

You. I can see past people into the depths of their hearts. I know their innermost secrets, their longings, their hopes. But I cannot see into you. You alone are a mystery.

You draw me close to you, a drab little moth fluttering too close to the fire. But the flames are seductive; even as it burns, I cannot escape.

I hate mysteries. Sticking around while Yugi dueled- I think all of us are tired of mysteries by now. A lot can be said about a simple life. I think I understand why you always refused to believe.

But you…you are a mystery. And yet, you are a puzzle I want to solve. That I would hazard to try…it surprises me. I have become a mystery, even to myself. I thought I said I hated the unknown…

You look at me, eyes so blue I lose myself in their depths. They are so cold, so icy…How can their owner possibly feel emotions? But as I watch, I can see another time, another place, when those same eyes brim with fire…boundless emotions, too strong to contain- passion, as strong as that which I feel. Like a dream, the moment passes- another frivolous bit of hope. All there is left is aqua stone and a heart of ice.

A single moment, encased in eternity.

You cannot fathom how the space between my confession and your reply has stretched. Seconds span into minutes, hours, to encompass all of space and time. Endless years flash by in the blink of an eye, the drawing of a breath…

I have lived through infinity and passed no time at all.

It is odd. My body feels incredibly light, weak with relief. The lifting of the burden I have carried for so long. And then…suddenly…It does not matter what your reply is. I have beaten the demons within my own heart, and that is enough.

You sense this. I know you do, for something in your eyes have shifted. Whatever war you have been waging within yourself has been resolved, cut short. I see resolution there, and an emotion that is gone almost as soon as it had appeared.

Your hand reaches out, so very, very gently, as if I will vanish. I dare not breathe…your fingers, scant inches from my face, seem an illusion. Any sound, and the spell will break. You will be gone, and I will find that this is but a dream. Another dream, with no conclusion, leaving me wondering…

Your palm brushes my cheek. Human touch is so unfamiliar to me…It takes everything I have to not run and flee. This is too much. The world hangs on its axis and threatens to explode around us. Fleetingly, I wonder whether it was not impossible to leave a dream a dream.

And then…

You relax. A smile. Suddenly, your face is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen. Strange, how much it transformed you. You are not flawless, but in this moment, you are perfect.

You realize that there are no need for words, no urgency to reply. I have spoken enough words for both of us, and this little gesture has filled in the rest.

A dream…but I am most surely awake. My heart still hurts, but I can feel that gap filling slowly. You are here. This is real. It is so hard to believe. Whatever happened in the past has been put behind us.

Vaguely, I note that Joey will have a fit. The thought makes me laugh, and I wonder at the sound. So light and carefree…I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

You look upon me with the same wonder and delight that I feel. It is as if our hearts and soul have merged and become one. If I had spoken earlier, would this happiness have come sooner?

No...that's not right. Everything has it's own time. Perhaps, earlier, your answer would have been different. Earlier, I was not the same person I am now.

What matters is now, my world feels…complete. I have friends, family, and…you. The thought strikes a sense of awe into my heart. You. You are here. You are real. You are…with me…

How is this possible?

**:fin:

* * *

**

A completely different style of writing that is centered around poetry-like prose. I liked it…did you? Leave a review, even if it's only to tell me you hated this.


End file.
